That's the last straw. Or Pixy Stix. I held out my pumpkin pail and begged. What did I get?
Apples. Little tiddlywink things. Tidbits of apparent glue wrapped in orange and black. Two toothbrushes. And Charlie Brown's rock.
''Treats'' like that just beg for the scariest, most frightening, ghoulish tricks that can be unleashed.
Yeah, that's right.
Puns.
I dug through the graveyard of files and scared up a monsterish mess of the groaniest puns to crawl out of the black swamp.
Let the howling begin.
What did the werewolf say to the girl who said she recognized him from the vegetarian club? He never met herbivore.
Who are the werewolves' cousins? The whatwolves, the whowolves, the whenwolves and the whywolves.
What do you call a lycanthrope who keeps getting lost? A wherewolf.
Who do vampires buy their cookies from? The Ghoul Scouts.
What happened to the vampire who stayed up all night to see if he could figure out where the sun went? It dawned on him.
Where did the vampire open his savings account? At a blood bank.
What do you call a mistake on a label at the blood bank? A Type-O.
Does England have a kidney bank? No, but it has a Liverpool.
What do you do when a chemist dies? Barium.
What do you get when you drop a jack-o'-lantern? Squash.
What do you call a fat jack-o'-lantern? A plumpkin.
What do you get when you divide the circumference of a jack-o'-lantern by its diameter? Pumpkin pi.
What's the problem with twin witches? You never know which witch is which.
Where do fashionable ghosts shop for sheets? Bootiques.
Why did the ghost keep reading a book about anti-gravity? He just couldn't put it down.
What does the papa ghost say to his family when driving? Fasten your sheet belts.
What do goblins and ghosts eat for breakfast? Ghost Toasties, Scream of Wheat, and brain muffins with poisenbury jam.
Where did the goblin halfback run with the football? Over the ghoul line.
What do you call a goblin who gets too close to a bonfire? A toasty ghosty.
Why don't skeletons like parties? They have no body to dance with.
Who was the most famous skeleton detective? Sherlock Bones.
What's a mummy's favorite style of music? Wrap.
Why don't mummies take vacations? They're afraid they'll relax and unwind.
Why are most monsters covered in wrinkles? Have you ever tried to iron a monster?
What did the fifth-grade monster say after the class field trip to the Coca-Cola factory? ''I hope there's no pop quiz.''
Why did the cross-eyed zombie lose her job as teacher at the monster school? She couldn't control her pupils.
What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house? Hope that it's Halloween.
Trick or treat!
----- Make Cole stop the tricks by sending him chocolate treats to burtseyeview@tribtoday.com, or at the Burton W. Cole page on Facebook.