I bet you never saw this coming: New research shows that men ''whine'' more than women when sick.
That conclusion is surprising in the same way that it would be staggering if researchers announced that they have discovered cats sleep a lot while dogs tend to bark at strangers.
The research also says women get sick more often and are more likely to fake illnesses to get off work.
I believe I have spotted some inaccuracies and outright lies in the report.
Let us note first that men do not ''whine.'' We inform.
In dire cases, as a courtesy, we will inform often with all the facts that come to mind because we know that even the smallest detail could be key for an accurate diagnosis of just how deathly ill we feel.
You're welcome.
Secondly, I would like to note that NONE of the following is about my own, personal wife. She is the very model of modelness. I can't name a single time when she's ever mentioned an ache or a pain. At least not that I noticed.
So in this survey financial services company Engage Mutual conducted with 1,360 people, the research shows that women get sick seven times a year on average while men are ravaged five times a year.
But 57 percent of the women surveyed claimed that their guys sought more attention when sick, with 66 percent of them constantly moaning and groaning.
Just 50 percent of the men said their partner was needier, with a mere 56 percent of that number constantly whining.
The latter statistic, of course, isn't true. The survey asked men what they observed. We guys, as a general rule, are not all that great at picking up on clues at the appropriate time.
I suspect that 110 percent of ailing women - if that were possible - pouted and generally carried on. But unless it happened during an unimportant commercial, how could we guys reasonably be expected to know?
I bet that the guys who said yes on the survey only found out when they felt yucky themselves and as a point of information let their spouses know that they could use a back rub and a refill. That's when they heard: ''How dare you! When I was dying from that horrible flu and needed just the teeniest bit of consideration, you didn't even notice.''
''Huh?''
At that point, the guy is treated to a detailed accounting, complete with flow charts and footnotes. This is how he knew what to say for the survey.
Also in the survey, half the men admitted to sometimes exaggerating their woes to elicit the most sympathy. Forty percent of the women admitted to the same ploy.
But women are more likely than men to complain daily about aches, pains, fevers and mortal wounds, 60 percent to 52 percent.
And a survey by Sovereign Health Care said women were more likely to call off work (56 percent) than men (33 percent) when not really sick at all.
''Even though men look for maximum sympathy, they tend to struggle on,'' Karl Elliott of Engage Mutual said.
Of course. Soldiering on buys us a lot more mileage in the ''information'' business. It gives us the right to inform our spouses all night long. But it's only because we care enough about your feelings on how you feel about bringing us ibuprofen. Hey, you wanted more communication, didn't you?
You're welcome.
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