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Burton Cole

How the cookie crumbles: Love is blind; taste buds see the truth

September 7, 2008

I have not had a cookie in three days. I’m not happy about that. There’s not even a patch for this sort of thing. And who would be the person responsible for this deprivation? The very same woman who in six weeks will promise to love me for the rest of our lives. I’m beginning to have my doubts. My bride-to-be vows that I will be subjected to a healthier diet because she wants to keep me around for a good, long time. Her opinion of good and long could waver with time. I will suspect that day has arrived when she serves me three dozen steaming chocolate chip cookies for supper. Of course, she might do that for my birthday. But if there’s also a side of cookie dough, I’ll know for sure. She’s got all sorts of silly notions as to why I should stay away from those chocolatey goodies that previously made up the bulk of my diet — and of my bulk. They’re all bunk. Plus, it hardly seems fair. They day we met, she wooed me with chocolate-laden cookie bars.

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Frisbees, lapel pins, flyswatters ... if it’s free, I’ll take two

August 31, 2008

The grandmother was shuffling to her car when suddenly she froze, wheeled to her left and lunged toward a white line. Only a partial pirouette I didn’t know I had in me kept me from plowing her over before I tumbled against an SUV.

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Who says a little hard work never hurt anyone?

August 24, 2008

I threw out my back mowing the lawn last week, which proves a point — a little hard work really will hurt you.

One of my dad’s favorite sayings — and believe me, we kids heard it a lot! — was ‘‘A little hard work never killed anyone.

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Wanna help? Stop pestering the bride!

August 17, 2008

I want to BE married. It’s the GETTING married that’s driving me nuts.

After nearly a decade of bachelorhood, I am counting down the last couple of months before nuptialation. I’m not sure I’m going to make it.

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Want me to do some work? Fat chance

August 10, 2008

Finally! There’s good news for obesity!

Death row inmate Richard Cooey claims in a federal lawsuit that he is too fat to die.

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Beauty: It’s in the eye of the myopic beholder

August 3, 2008

Have you ever noticed how distance improves one’s looks?

When a person is standing too far off to see him clearly, our imaginations tend to the fill in the details. Generally, these are the details as we would like to enjoy them.

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