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Gasping mind revelations: Dogs act like little boys

February 13, 2012 - Burton Cole (humor columnist)

The theory burst upon me in gasps during a brisk walk. Most brilliant insights come to me while I’m gasping. It’s probably because so little oxygen diverts to my brain during exercise.

It was somewhere between exhilaration and passing out that I realized that dogs are like boys and girls are like cats.

Dogs are loud, rough, eager for adventure – and a touch lacking in common sense, much like little boys. Whatever stupid, idiotic thing a boy determines to do, there will be his dog, not only enthusiastically going along with the plan, but probably supplying some of the finer details himself.

I am speaking from experience here, having once been a little boy and having shared adventures with several dogs over the years.

Cats are more like the girls I knew growing up. Quieter, gentler, more playful than rambunctious – but with claws that unsheathe without notice. I grew up on a farm with bales and bales of cats.

Dogs don’t care where it is, they just want to go, and at high speed with tongue and tail wagging. Cats don’t care where it is, they just want to go when they’re good and ready – and only after checking themselves out in the mirror first.

Cats tend to exhibit more sense than dogs. You don’t see cats hanging their heads out car windows. A cat knows a mailbox could take it off.

A cat can swim but generally prefers to sun itself instead. After spending hours primping and cleaning, it would rather not dive into the muddy pond where it knows snapping turtles, toothy fish and germs likely lurk beneath the surface. A cat has more sense than to jump into that. Dogs and boys, not so much.

As boys and girls age, preferences may change. Many men end up seeking the comfort and softness of a cat while women relish the boyish ruggedness and refuge of the dog.

This is not an absolute, of course. Given the choice between the two, I’d probably pick a dog for our next household resident while my wife would already have the cat in the car.

Actually, what I want is a tankful of fish. I’m not sure where that fits into my theory. Does it mean I’m cold and all wet? Well, I’m due for a run tomorrow. After a few wind sprints, it’ll probably become clear – just before I faint.

I’d ask a dog to write it down for me but he’d be too busy driving a cat crazy, just like a ... well, you know.

 
 

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