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Try these remedies to cure (?) common problems
October 14, 2011 - Burton Cole (humor columnist)
While these survival tips aren’t new – various readers circulated these – they are important and worth repeating. Therefore, let us repeat these practical home remedies to common household situations.
* To avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables, simply get someone else to hold the vegetables. This frees you up to do the chopping without any personal stress to yourself.
* Should you find yourself choking on an ice cube – and really, who hasn’t – all you need to do is pour boiling water down your throat. This will melt the blockage. (Of course, now you may need ice cubes again.)
* A mousetrap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button. (Note: It is not necessary to use cheese.)
* To cure a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Fear helps developed amazing self-control over your cough. (Note: On a somewhat related comfort issue, refrain from swallowing a sleeping pill and a diuretic at the same time.)
* Most home repairs can be tackled with one of two tools – WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn’t move but does, use the duct tape.
* Actually, there is a third tool – the hammer. But if you can’t fix it with a hammer, then you have an electrical problem. In that case, kill the breaker and roast supper over candles. Telling camping stories will help pass the time.
EDITOR’S NOTE: Not a single one of these tips are approved, endorsed or in any way advocated by the American Medical Association, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, or by moms anywhere.
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Cole dips into his tool kit for home repairs.